Tag: family

thankful…

thank you India, thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty…

Alanis Morissette wrote a song back in the late 90’s after having gone on a trip to India. It was a well deserved break that she certainly deserved. According to an interview with MTV, Alanis, up to that point, had not taken a break in her career. This song was written after her spiritually awakening trip. It is essentially a thank you to the Universe for all of the things in her life that have shaped who she had become and lessons learned.

Having just celebrated Thanksgiving here in the United States, I had this song on my mind. And while I have not taken a journey to India for relaxation and spiritual guidance/discovery, I have had some time and experiences that have helped me to learn and grow. Experiences that have shown me how important it is to not only take care of others, but to take care of myself first.

In her song, Alanis thanks terror, frailty, and disillusionment. She thanks providence, disillusionment, nothingness, clarity, and silence. She speaks of remembering one’s divinity, unabashedly bawling your eyes out, and about allowing yourself to experience grief.

I would have to mimic that sentiment. So many feelings, experiences, and just overall stuff – good and bad – have shaped who I am today. Am I done growing? Are you? No. I honestly believe that we are growing and changing in one way or another every single day of our lives. For me, it would go something like this:

Thank you, COVID.
Thank you, loneliness.
Thank you, hospital staff.
Thank you, music.
Thank you, anxiety.
Thank you, Twitter family.

And yeah, I balled my eyes our a few times. I’m hanging on to my divinity. Some friendships have faded but now I have new friends. It’s all going to be okay.

Thank U.

k

go rest…

Yesterday I posted a comment that said “I’m in need of some music therapy.” I was trying to be somewhat positive given the situation. But no music played yesterday. In fact, little music has been played today either. I has been so quiet.

Wednesday evening, we got a phone call from our youngest son. It was the worst phone call that I have taken in 20 years since I lost my father. Our son had gotten a call from the sheriff’s office in another county. His older brother had passed away 5 days prior. It took a little time for them to reach us because he had no id on him and they had to use fingerprints to identify him. He passed due to health issues.

Nobody wants to believe those words when you hear them. It was a moment of confusion, then realization that yes, in fact, this is true. Quite literally, mind numbing. Then pure grief.

I won’t go into how the next several hours went as I called the sheriff, got information, then called my sister-in-law and asked her to drive me to where my husband is so that I can tell him his first born son, and namesake, is gone. You get the idea.

So, it’s Friday evening now. And as much as I haven’t wanted to think about it, how can one not? I am making an attempt to write and use music to soothe, as much as, and, if possible.

When I met my husband, his son was 4 years old. Such a boy! So full of energy and curiosity, as 4 year olds are. By the time he was 7, we had gained custody of he and his little brother. I became “Mom” to both boys.

Life happened over the next several years. Let’s just leave it at that. We tried to make sure that he was doing the things that he should have been considering his mental health diagnosis. It was one of the most difficult things to watch as a parent. And while I won’t go into the whole “mental health system needs a makeover” topic, clearly it does.

We lost contact with him about 18 months ago. Choosing to leave the home where he was living and had some structure meant we had no way to contact him. We worried. We hoped. Hoped he would call us again to let us know where he was, because when he did move from one house to another, that’s what he would do.

Life in his 35 years, 2.5 months of time on Earth was not always simple. Sometimes it was excruciatingly difficult. And as the song below says, “I know your life on earth was troubled.” But that trouble has been taken away and you are now resting and at peace. We love you and will miss you more than words can adequately express.

it’s autumn now…

It was springtime the last time you were here. It was springtime the last time I felt your skin against mine. You’re not gone. Just not home. I miss you. What happens next? I just don’t know.

I pray for your strength. I pray for the day you get to come back to me. I pray you don’t give up and that you fight this weakness that tries to break you.

Thinking too much brings tears. Worry is constant. I just don’t know what’s next. God help us. Help me.

When will this craziness end? It’s been so long. Far too long.

It’s like I’ve been living a different life. Because I have. So different. I’m thankful for the girls. They help so much. I’m thankful for friends who reach out and care about us.

Music has been here to help. She would have been here anyway, but right now she is my friend. And this friend has kept me sane.

Please God help me to know it will be okay. Because it was spring time the last time he was here in my arms.

And it’s autumn now.

k

don’t know yet…

Six weeks and three days after the first post I have here my husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital. He still is not home yet. It’s been four months. To say the last several months have been difficult would be a major understatement. Life has been one big roller coaster ride. One that includes cork screw turns and full 360s. And a lot of ups and downs. I am waiting for the day when we can just be more like a leisurely ride on a pontoon at the lake. We could use some of that.

On my show today I thanked my friend Apryl. Somehow our paths that had sadly separated several years ago came together once again. I thanked her for encouraging me to do what I am now doing. I am recording a weekly radio show and having fun doing it. Yeah. I’m the host of a radio program. I am an accidental dj! Who would have thought? During a time when I did not know what to do with myself. A time when the anxiety I was feeling landed me in the e.r. a couple of times. A time when I felt like I was falling apart. She made me feel like I could do it. And I did.

During the weeks that I was visiting my husband after work every night, I was able to come home and immerse myself in music and eventually start the show. It was a much needed escape. A place to go where I didn’t feel the pain and the fear. Music is healing. The songwriters have a way of helping us transcend the negative space we may be in. And there have been so many independent artists that I have “discovered.” It is unreal – the number of independent artists that are out there! I haven’t experienced anything like it since I used to go down to the Sunset Strip and see all the bands playing in the clubs. But what I witnessed was just a fraction of what was really out there. Now, we experience it all on social media.

Since this whole radio show business has started, we have done 10 shows. One of them Apryl voiced for me because I was just not up to it one week. And as I write this, I am already working on show #11. Artists are actually submitting their music to me for the show. It’s pretty amazing. But most of all, I am having fun doing it. And my husband thinks it is pretty cool. It will be so nice when he is feeling even better, and home, he can help me with making playlists for the show.

As I write this blog, I have emailed back and forth with an independent artist in England. The band is called Silenced Echoes. Their music is reminiscent of the unsigned bands I used to see in Hollywood. You can tell that they truly love what they are doing. I really enjoy listening to the music of these musicians who are trying to make it in the crazy music industry. Being able to give them an opportunity for their art to be “displayed” so-to-speak, brings me joy. There is no way I can play everyone’s music, but just to offer some kind of opportunity for them to be heard is what I enjoy about it.

Right now I am enjoying my time doing the show and assisting with the radio station that hosts the show. I hope to continue doing the show for as long as possible and maybe even more with the station in the future. The music certainly isn’t going away. There is no shortage of talent to be shared with the world! Where will this eventually lead? I just don’t know yet.

k