go rest…

Yesterday I posted a comment that said “I’m in need of some music therapy.” I was trying to be somewhat positive given the situation. But no music played yesterday. In fact, little music has been played today either. I has been so quiet.

Wednesday evening, we got a phone call from our youngest son. It was the worst phone call that I have taken in 20 years since I lost my father. Our son had gotten a call from the sheriff’s office in another county. His older brother had passed away 5 days prior. It took a little time for them to reach us because he had no id on him and they had to use fingerprints to identify him. He passed due to health issues.

Nobody wants to believe those words when you hear them. It was a moment of confusion, then realization that yes, in fact, this is true. Quite literally, mind numbing. Then pure grief.

I won’t go into how the next several hours went as I called the sheriff, got information, then called my sister-in-law and asked her to drive me to where my husband is so that I can tell him his first born son, and namesake, is gone. You get the idea.

So, it’s Friday evening now. And as much as I haven’t wanted to think about it, how can one not? I am making an attempt to write and use music to soothe, as much as, and, if possible.

When I met my husband, his son was 4 years old. Such a boy! So full of energy and curiosity, as 4 year olds are. By the time he was 7, we had gained custody of he and his little brother. I became “Mom” to both boys.

Life happened over the next several years. Let’s just leave it at that. We tried to make sure that he was doing the things that he should have been considering his mental health diagnosis. It was one of the most difficult things to watch as a parent. And while I won’t go into the whole “mental health system needs a makeover” topic, clearly it does.

We lost contact with him about 18 months ago. Choosing to leave the home where he was living and had some structure meant we had no way to contact him. We worried. We hoped. Hoped he would call us again to let us know where he was, because when he did move from one house to another, that’s what he would do.

Life in his 35 years, 2.5 months of time on Earth was not always simple. Sometimes it was excruciatingly difficult. And as the song below says, “I know your life on earth was troubled.” But that trouble has been taken away and you are now resting and at peace. We love you and will miss you more than words can adequately express.