Tag: friendship

the emotion is real…

Five days ago my life changed. (Because I too am dramatic) Even if just for a brief moment in time. Okay, so maybe it didn’t change, but it was rocked. In a good way. I’ll explain.

I knew it was coming. I, along with millions of fans, had been anticipating this album drop for months! Everyone had been doing their best to notice every Easter egg they could. Every outfit. Every planned “pap walk.” (paparazzi) Every conversation. They all were potential hints to what was about to be. And oh my, were there some theories out there! I’m still not convinced something else isn’t going to drop before the end of the year. The pre-orders were in, but none delivered just yet. I was in the dark along with everyone else.

Taylor Swift hit the radio waves big time in 2006. I’ve been a fan from the beginning. My interest waxed and waned over the years. After all, I was raising kids, working, and going to school. Music wasn’t at the top of my list for many years. But her music was always there. Not a year (or so it seems) went by that she wasn’t on any number of award shows. Two of my favorite performances were when she performed “You Should Have Said No” at the ACM awards in 2008 and “Mean” at the Grammy’s in 2012- I wonder what that guy thinks now? There have of course been dozens of performances since then, but those were so very powerful.

Fast forward to springtime 2024. I am in one of the most anxiety filled times in my life. It wasn’t the first time, but my husband was once again in a very serious health situation. Stress levels and worry through the roof. Whether I was sitting at home alone or in the hospital room, there was not much to do. TV was boring as hell. Flipping through videos on the socials and I see people live streaming Taylor Swift’s concerts on TikTok and I start watching. Then I start following various creators that are sharing all sorts of things about Taylor. They are so fun to watch. It was giving me something to keep my mind off the more serious things going on. And by the way, he made it through two major surgeries and came home after a long stay.

So now I’m in deep and an official elder Swiftie. I am watching videos from 6-10 content creators and learning all about Taylor’s albums, Easter eggs, the TV albums (Taylor’s Version) and the story behind it all. I watch as The Tortured Poets Department albums becomes and is added to the Era’s Tour set. I learn about the Lover House, fall in love with the Folklore album, and get super excited when the gold bodysuit is revealed in Miami Night 1! All the dresses! The surprise songs! What does it all mean? And will we ever get the Rep Vault tracks? I hope so! And don’t even get me started on an adult version of Debut. Oh my.

I went to bed last Thursday night knowing that the album was going to become available on Spotify at midnight Eastern time and I was fine with hearing it the next day. Well…I woke up around 1130p – and I’m in the Central time zone – and had to go to the bathroom. Thank you menopause. I decided to open Spotify and put on the new album since it was up and go back to sleep while I was “listening.” It wasn’t until later Friday morning that I had a chance to really listen. As I type this, it is Wednesday night. I am sure that I have listened to the album upwards of 30 times already. Amazing doesn’t cut it. I’m obsessed with it. And have cried so many times while listening to it.

Sure, it’s a temporary obsession…maybe. But I feel an emotional connection to Taylor’s music. It was her music that helped ease much of the anxiety during the time that my husband was so sick last year and fighting to get home. I had the Swifties and the pure joy that every single one of those concerts brought to the thousands in attendance and the thousands of us who watched the grainy live streams on our phones and laptops. I got to interact with others who were just streaming for fun. I have had the privilege of learning more about Taylor as a person and understand the complexities of her writing style. And oh my god! We got to see her love affair blossom into a fairytale.

But all of this has been a therapy of sorts. Instead of worrying so much, I turned to the music and it was – and is – calming.

Then it hit me!

This is not the first time. It may be an intense feeling right now, but definitely not the first time. Looking back through the years, music has always been there for me. From the time when I was a pre-teen and unhappy with my living situation and blaring Joan Jett and the Blackhearts to when I had a newborn and a dying father at the same moment and singing Sara Evans songs to my baby. Certain songs will always bring me back to moments in time and remind me how healing the tunes and the melodies were.

When things are going not so great and I’m dancing through the lightning strikes, it’s as if music itself brings me out of the onyx nights and turns the sky a beautiful hue of opalite.

That rocks.

k

thankful…

thank you India, thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty…

Alanis Morissette wrote a song back in the late 90’s after having gone on a trip to India. It was a well deserved break that she certainly deserved. According to an interview with MTV, Alanis, up to that point, had not taken a break in her career. This song was written after her spiritually awakening trip. It is essentially a thank you to the Universe for all of the things in her life that have shaped who she had become and lessons learned.

Having just celebrated Thanksgiving here in the United States, I had this song on my mind. And while I have not taken a journey to India for relaxation and spiritual guidance/discovery, I have had some time and experiences that have helped me to learn and grow. Experiences that have shown me how important it is to not only take care of others, but to take care of myself first.

In her song, Alanis thanks terror, frailty, and disillusionment. She thanks providence, disillusionment, nothingness, clarity, and silence. She speaks of remembering one’s divinity, unabashedly bawling your eyes out, and about allowing yourself to experience grief.

I would have to mimic that sentiment. So many feelings, experiences, and just overall stuff – good and bad – have shaped who I am today. Am I done growing? Are you? No. I honestly believe that we are growing and changing in one way or another every single day of our lives. For me, it would go something like this:

Thank you, COVID.
Thank you, loneliness.
Thank you, hospital staff.
Thank you, music.
Thank you, anxiety.
Thank you, Twitter family.

And yeah, I balled my eyes our a few times. I’m hanging on to my divinity. Some friendships have faded but now I have new friends. It’s all going to be okay.

Thank U.

k

it’s autumn now…

It was springtime the last time you were here. It was springtime the last time I felt your skin against mine. You’re not gone. Just not home. I miss you. What happens next? I just don’t know.

I pray for your strength. I pray for the day you get to come back to me. I pray you don’t give up and that you fight this weakness that tries to break you.

Thinking too much brings tears. Worry is constant. I just don’t know what’s next. God help us. Help me.

When will this craziness end? It’s been so long. Far too long.

It’s like I’ve been living a different life. Because I have. So different. I’m thankful for the girls. They help so much. I’m thankful for friends who reach out and care about us.

Music has been here to help. She would have been here anyway, but right now she is my friend. And this friend has kept me sane.

Please God help me to know it will be okay. Because it was spring time the last time he was here in my arms.

And it’s autumn now.

k

don’t know yet…

Six weeks and three days after the first post I have here my husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital. He still is not home yet. It’s been four months. To say the last several months have been difficult would be a major understatement. Life has been one big roller coaster ride. One that includes cork screw turns and full 360s. And a lot of ups and downs. I am waiting for the day when we can just be more like a leisurely ride on a pontoon at the lake. We could use some of that.

On my show today I thanked my friend Apryl. Somehow our paths that had sadly separated several years ago came together once again. I thanked her for encouraging me to do what I am now doing. I am recording a weekly radio show and having fun doing it. Yeah. I’m the host of a radio program. I am an accidental dj! Who would have thought? During a time when I did not know what to do with myself. A time when the anxiety I was feeling landed me in the e.r. a couple of times. A time when I felt like I was falling apart. She made me feel like I could do it. And I did.

During the weeks that I was visiting my husband after work every night, I was able to come home and immerse myself in music and eventually start the show. It was a much needed escape. A place to go where I didn’t feel the pain and the fear. Music is healing. The songwriters have a way of helping us transcend the negative space we may be in. And there have been so many independent artists that I have “discovered.” It is unreal – the number of independent artists that are out there! I haven’t experienced anything like it since I used to go down to the Sunset Strip and see all the bands playing in the clubs. But what I witnessed was just a fraction of what was really out there. Now, we experience it all on social media.

Since this whole radio show business has started, we have done 10 shows. One of them Apryl voiced for me because I was just not up to it one week. And as I write this, I am already working on show #11. Artists are actually submitting their music to me for the show. It’s pretty amazing. But most of all, I am having fun doing it. And my husband thinks it is pretty cool. It will be so nice when he is feeling even better, and home, he can help me with making playlists for the show.

As I write this blog, I have emailed back and forth with an independent artist in England. The band is called Silenced Echoes. Their music is reminiscent of the unsigned bands I used to see in Hollywood. You can tell that they truly love what they are doing. I really enjoy listening to the music of these musicians who are trying to make it in the crazy music industry. Being able to give them an opportunity for their art to be “displayed” so-to-speak, brings me joy. There is no way I can play everyone’s music, but just to offer some kind of opportunity for them to be heard is what I enjoy about it.

Right now I am enjoying my time doing the show and assisting with the radio station that hosts the show. I hope to continue doing the show for as long as possible and maybe even more with the station in the future. The music certainly isn’t going away. There is no shortage of talent to be shared with the world! Where will this eventually lead? I just don’t know yet.

k