Tag: anxiety

the emotion is real…

Five days ago my life changed. (Because I too am dramatic) Even if just for a brief moment in time. Okay, so maybe it didn’t change, but it was rocked. In a good way. I’ll explain.

I knew it was coming. I, along with millions of fans, had been anticipating this album drop for months! Everyone had been doing their best to notice every Easter egg they could. Every outfit. Every planned “pap walk.” (paparazzi) Every conversation. They all were potential hints to what was about to be. And oh my, were there some theories out there! I’m still not convinced something else isn’t going to drop before the end of the year. The pre-orders were in, but none delivered just yet. I was in the dark along with everyone else.

Taylor Swift hit the radio waves big time in 2006. I’ve been a fan from the beginning. My interest waxed and waned over the years. After all, I was raising kids, working, and going to school. Music wasn’t at the top of my list for many years. But her music was always there. Not a year (or so it seems) went by that she wasn’t on any number of award shows. Two of my favorite performances were when she performed “You Should Have Said No” at the ACM awards in 2008 and “Mean” at the Grammy’s in 2012- I wonder what that guy thinks now? There have of course been dozens of performances since then, but those were so very powerful.

Fast forward to springtime 2024. I am in one of the most anxiety filled times in my life. It wasn’t the first time, but my husband was once again in a very serious health situation. Stress levels and worry through the roof. Whether I was sitting at home alone or in the hospital room, there was not much to do. TV was boring as hell. Flipping through videos on the socials and I see people live streaming Taylor Swift’s concerts on TikTok and I start watching. Then I start following various creators that are sharing all sorts of things about Taylor. They are so fun to watch. It was giving me something to keep my mind off the more serious things going on. And by the way, he made it through two major surgeries and came home after a long stay.

So now I’m in deep and an official elder Swiftie. I am watching videos from 6-10 content creators and learning all about Taylor’s albums, Easter eggs, the TV albums (Taylor’s Version) and the story behind it all. I watch as The Tortured Poets Department albums becomes and is added to the Era’s Tour set. I learn about the Lover House, fall in love with the Folklore album, and get super excited when the gold bodysuit is revealed in Miami Night 1! All the dresses! The surprise songs! What does it all mean? And will we ever get the Rep Vault tracks? I hope so! And don’t even get me started on an adult version of Debut. Oh my.

I went to bed last Thursday night knowing that the album was going to become available on Spotify at midnight Eastern time and I was fine with hearing it the next day. Well…I woke up around 1130p – and I’m in the Central time zone – and had to go to the bathroom. Thank you menopause. I decided to open Spotify and put on the new album since it was up and go back to sleep while I was “listening.” It wasn’t until later Friday morning that I had a chance to really listen. As I type this, it is Wednesday night. I am sure that I have listened to the album upwards of 30 times already. Amazing doesn’t cut it. I’m obsessed with it. And have cried so many times while listening to it.

Sure, it’s a temporary obsession…maybe. But I feel an emotional connection to Taylor’s music. It was her music that helped ease much of the anxiety during the time that my husband was so sick last year and fighting to get home. I had the Swifties and the pure joy that every single one of those concerts brought to the thousands in attendance and the thousands of us who watched the grainy live streams on our phones and laptops. I got to interact with others who were just streaming for fun. I have had the privilege of learning more about Taylor as a person and understand the complexities of her writing style. And oh my god! We got to see her love affair blossom into a fairytale.

But all of this has been a therapy of sorts. Instead of worrying so much, I turned to the music and it was – and is – calming.

Then it hit me!

This is not the first time. It may be an intense feeling right now, but definitely not the first time. Looking back through the years, music has always been there for me. From the time when I was a pre-teen and unhappy with my living situation and blaring Joan Jett and the Blackhearts to when I had a newborn and a dying father at the same moment and singing Sara Evans songs to my baby. Certain songs will always bring me back to moments in time and remind me how healing the tunes and the melodies were.

When things are going not so great and I’m dancing through the lightning strikes, it’s as if music itself brings me out of the onyx nights and turns the sky a beautiful hue of opalite.

That rocks.

k

It’s a Beautiful Morning

I don’t know what it was this morning, but it really brought this song to mind. Truly, it is a beautiful day here in western Oklahoma.

A couple of weeks ago you would have had difficulty getting me to acknowledge the beauty of the sunrise, the refreshing feel of the almost never ending breeze we have here, or the beauty in the song of the many species of birds that we have in  our area. Anxiety is a scary and confusing feeling. It can rob you of happiness and joy.

But the last several days have been significantly better. Last July my husband and I purchased our very first home. Now we are working on getting our front yard looking nice. Our landscaper – yes…I can actually say that very grown-up phrase LOL – He says he will help us to have a golf course-like front lawn. I can’t wait! We are brainstorming ideas for an area of the front under my office window and reconsidering a whole new arrangement for the backyard. Well, mostly I am, but it’s fun to dream!

The past 16-17 months have been incredibly eventful. Not only did we pack it up and leave Massachusetts and our two youngest children behind (rather quickly I might add), but there have been health issues for my husband, my mother, and my stepfather. Everything must have just finally come to a head and I just couldn’t quite overcome it all. My typical “It’s all going to be okay” just wasn’t cutting it.

Now I am doing my best to shift into a “take care of me” mode and will be having a go at some doctors appointments that I have postponed long enough. I need to take care of me. My family and friends have been telling me this for years. My “job” as a caregiver can take a toll. I must work in time for myself daily. And writing, listening to music, and sharing it all, is a proven self-therapy.

As I sit and write this, I am on our back porch in the sun, enjoying the breeze, and joyfully taking in the birdsong, soaking in the sunlight and working on my tan 😂 I actually have color again! Massachusetts sucked that color right out of my skin.

Our mental health is just as important to take care of as our heart health, dealing with diabetes, or any other health issue we may have. Keeping things all bottled up does nothing to help the situation. We need to take time to have those conversations with each other. Do things that bring us joy like listening to music, taking a walk, journaling, or even creating a website where you can share with others – just like I did!

More to come on a regular basis. It’s a beautiful morning. Why not go outside awhile? Just smile. Take in somee clean fresh air.

k

thankful…

thank you India, thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty…

Alanis Morissette wrote a song back in the late 90’s after having gone on a trip to India. It was a well deserved break that she certainly deserved. According to an interview with MTV, Alanis, up to that point, had not taken a break in her career. This song was written after her spiritually awakening trip. It is essentially a thank you to the Universe for all of the things in her life that have shaped who she had become and lessons learned.

Having just celebrated Thanksgiving here in the United States, I had this song on my mind. And while I have not taken a journey to India for relaxation and spiritual guidance/discovery, I have had some time and experiences that have helped me to learn and grow. Experiences that have shown me how important it is to not only take care of others, but to take care of myself first.

In her song, Alanis thanks terror, frailty, and disillusionment. She thanks providence, disillusionment, nothingness, clarity, and silence. She speaks of remembering one’s divinity, unabashedly bawling your eyes out, and about allowing yourself to experience grief.

I would have to mimic that sentiment. So many feelings, experiences, and just overall stuff – good and bad – have shaped who I am today. Am I done growing? Are you? No. I honestly believe that we are growing and changing in one way or another every single day of our lives. For me, it would go something like this:

Thank you, COVID.
Thank you, loneliness.
Thank you, hospital staff.
Thank you, music.
Thank you, anxiety.
Thank you, Twitter family.

And yeah, I balled my eyes our a few times. I’m hanging on to my divinity. Some friendships have faded but now I have new friends. It’s all going to be okay.

Thank U.

k