It was springtime the last time you were here. It was springtime the last time I felt your skin against mine. You’re not gone. Just not home. I miss you. What happens next? I just don’t know.
I pray for your strength. I pray for the day you get to come back to me. I pray you don’t give up and that you fight this weakness that tries to break you.
Thinking too much brings tears. Worry is constant. I just don’t know what’s next. God help us. Help me.
When will this craziness end? It’s been so long. Far too long.
It’s like I’ve been living a different life. Because I have. So different. I’m thankful for the girls. They help so much. I’m thankful for friends who reach out and care about us.
Music has been here to help. She would have been here anyway, but right now she is my friend. And this friend has kept me sane.
Please God help me to know it will be okay. Because it was spring time the last time he was here in my arms.
Six weeks and three days after the first post I have here my husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital. He still is not home yet. It’s been four months. To say the last several months have been difficult would be a major understatement. Life has been one big roller coaster ride. One that includes cork screw turns and full 360s. And a lot of ups and downs. I am waiting for the day when we can just be more like a leisurely ride on a pontoon at the lake. We could use some of that.
On my show today I thanked my friend Apryl. Somehow our paths that had sadly separated several years ago came together once again. I thanked her for encouraging me to do what I am now doing. I am recording a weekly radio show and having fun doing it. Yeah. I’m the host of a radio program. I am an accidental dj! Who would have thought? During a time when I did not know what to do with myself. A time when the anxiety I was feeling landed me in the e.r. a couple of times. A time when I felt like I was falling apart. She made me feel like I could do it. And I did.
During the weeks that I was visiting my husband after work every night, I was able to come home and immerse myself in music and eventually start the show. It was a much needed escape. A place to go where I didn’t feel the pain and the fear. Music is healing. The songwriters have a way of helping us transcend the negative space we may be in. And there have been so many independent artists that I have “discovered.” It is unreal – the number of independent artists that are out there! I haven’t experienced anything like it since I used to go down to the Sunset Strip and see all the bands playing in the clubs. But what I witnessed was just a fraction of what was really out there. Now, we experience it all on social media.
Since this whole radio show business has started, we have done 10 shows. One of them Apryl voiced for me because I was just not up to it one week. And as I write this, I am already working on show #11. Artists are actually submitting their music to me for the show. It’s pretty amazing. But most of all, I am having fun doing it. And my husband thinks it is pretty cool. It will be so nice when he is feeling even better, and home, he can help me with making playlists for the show.
As I write this blog, I have emailed back and forth with an independent artist in England. The band is called Silenced Echoes. Their music is reminiscent of the unsigned bands I used to see in Hollywood. You can tell that they truly love what they are doing. I really enjoy listening to the music of these musicians who are trying to make it in the crazy music industry. Being able to give them an opportunity for their art to be “displayed” so-to-speak, brings me joy. There is no way I can play everyone’s music, but just to offer some kind of opportunity for them to be heard is what I enjoy about it.
Right now I am enjoying my time doing the show and assisting with the radio station that hosts the show. I hope to continue doing the show for as long as possible and maybe even more with the station in the future. The music certainly isn’t going away. There is no shortage of talent to be shared with the world! Where will this eventually lead? I just don’t know yet.
Anxiety. Worry. She had experienced those feelings many times before. But this time the feelings felt amplified. She was so happy to know he was coming home. The last few days in the hospital had been more than miserable for him. So it was a relief to know that stay was over.
After the first night of him being home, struggling to do normal every day tasks, and just witnessing his pain, she noticed something else. His eyes. They were different. Something had happened. His spirit, his soul, broken. It was like looking into the eyes of one who had been trapped, backed into a corner and having to fight for survival. There was confusion. Fear. This was not the same man whom she had taken to the emergency room just eight days before.
Just listening to him recount the poor treatment he received during the last three days in the hospital kept the tears flowing. She could hear the pain. The struggle. She admitted to him that she could see the change in his eyes. He agreed with the description she gave. And it saddened him to see her so overwhelmed.
They knew things would get better. And over the next days, it did. His strength was returning. He was clearly on the mend. Thank God. Slowly, that broken and traumatized look left his eyes. But even now, she was able to see a hint of that brokenness. In time, that too will fade, but not be forgotten.
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That little blurb above is true. It was in a sort of story form in my brain this week. My husband was in the hospital and had an horrific experience. We are both incredibly hurt and angered. I plan on writing a letter to the hospital, but wanted to wait until it wasn’t written like a screaming fit. I need to be able to speak clearly and concisely when I rip them a new one. Right?
During the time that I was home, hanging on every word the nurses gave me, and they certainly did not give me them all I found out, I happened to “reconnect” with one of my very best friends. Turns out she has a podcast now! She is involved with a big group of indie musicians who share their music on social media and on Spotify. One of the artists that I was introduced to is named Paul Nixon. He has a new song called “It’s Alright Now.”
The night that I first heard this song, I was an anxious mess. Then this song. Just BAM! It was exactly what I needed. I honestly felt like it was a way for God to let me know that it is going to be alright. It truly was like a worship song to me at that moment. You can read a review of it in the Indiependent. The review written by Sam Lambeth describes it perfectly as “Soothing, raspy, repentant. Majestic, melodic, magnificent. There aren’t enough words to describe those first few seconds as you adjust your ears to the gruff beauty of Nixon’s delivery.” Easily one I could play over and over. And have.
First and foremost, I thank God for sparing my husband and bringing him home to me. And I thank Him also for gifting so many with great talent. To those who possess those gifts, thank you for sharing them!
And as is the usual for me, in just about every situation – good or bad – there is a song for that. Because, it always comes back to the music.
Radio My Way 